I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
You Might Also Like
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Did my cat write this
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.