I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Happy weekend !
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.