[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.