I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.