I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.