I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
having children is a pyramid scheme.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.