I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…