@MartaEffing: I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
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@Parkerlawyer: It's 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what's for dinner. I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
@shkeeber: Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a store] Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses? *sunglasses loudly arguing about politics* Clerk: Well, they're polarized