@MartaEffing: I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
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@thenatewolf: EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all. *I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar* EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!
@karanbirtinna: No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
@generaldietz: Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
@DanMentos: My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard And they're like We're gonna kick your ass fancy boy