*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
2 years later
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
getting corrected
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
#damn
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.