Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
A man of commitment.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”