@LeBearGirdle: I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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@curlycomedy: I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."
@misfarber: Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
@LurkAtHomeMom: [Interview] Why do you want this job? Me: *opens briefcase* I don't. *pulls out Snickers* I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
@SeanEmeny: Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business