*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
and now we wait
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”