“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I鈥檒l look at that rash now.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: I鈥檓 on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they鈥檙e gonna need so many shoes
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I鈥檓 happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: I鈥檓 late, I鈥檓 late for a very important date!
Date: 馃檪
Fig: 馃檨
Prune: bro, lol
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can鈥檛 find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
i do not get doomsday preppers i鈥檓 immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i鈥檓 quitting
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!