“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
#FunnyLife Insects
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up