I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Canadian owl: Eh?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Mornin. * use accordingly
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Stop it! 😂
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”