I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.