I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars