I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
You Might Also Like
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”