Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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So the ex texted me
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.