I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.