I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Twitter is an abusement park.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.