I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
You Might Also Like
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
need him
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
an octopus is just a wet spider
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
🤭😂
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.