He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
felt that
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
For the baby who has everything
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.