@bourgeoisalien: I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, "Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?"
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@clarkekant: Obama says he’s pro-vaccine, GOP comes out against it. Now Obama needs to express his support for breathing.
@FuckabillyRex: If you're the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they'll move.
@HumbleTeej: I didn't want to be the one to have to do this but I'm not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting
@leyawn: someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why