@bourgeoisalien: I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, "Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?"
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@joejwest: [restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN
@DanMentos: My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
@thepunningman: Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"