I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)