@SuperRandomish: I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there's no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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@Chelsea_Elle: So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
@robfee: Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.
@Adam14: Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You're welcome.
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello