@bazecraze: I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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@nthonyswan: Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
@PabloGSerski: The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.
@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."