I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.