I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You Might Also Like
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost