I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.