@abbycohenwl: I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don't like it
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@MarfSalvador: [Bowling date] Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean... Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: dude, that's the scariest costume I've ever seen. I love Halloween. ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
@CVTBaby: Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back? Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.