I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy