too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.