I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
You Might Also Like
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally