I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
relationship goals
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.