I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Growing out my freckles.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.