I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.