[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
The two types of wives
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?