I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me