I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu