I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?