My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.