I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Delightful if true: booby trap.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.