@ComedicBust: I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.
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@randomnloveit: If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.
@cornax: The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
@Schmoodles: You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.