I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate