I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King