@mydmac: I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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@ThinkingSavage: Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
@Home_Halfway: Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane's going down. Look, stop screaming, that's not going to make me a better pilot