[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting