@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
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@farahfergie: Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
@TheAlexNevil: Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
@GirlRestrained: Hahaha stupid person... When it says 55mph it really means 64mph.........Idiot turtle person