I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.