I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds