Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.