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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”